Forgiveness - Giving it is getting it!

Forgiveness is one of those things that is easier said than done. As a younger person i believed in the mantra ‘forgive but never forget’. As I grew older (and wiser) I knew it was not possible to truly forgive without forgetting. Understanding this did not mean i was able to forgive – rather i now knew my weakness. I knew that every so often, I am reminded of the wrong I was done and ill-feelings even if not hate, start trickling into my heart.  So i tried blocking the memories and it worked for a while. Till I grew older still *sigh* (and wiser still!) and realised it was not possible to block memories as they make their way into your life and thinking at some point catching you off-guard.

So here is where I am now – dealing with the memories; accepting it as the will of my Creator which in some form were meant to purify me (hopefully they did). Once I came to terms with my past experiences, no longer feeling vulnerable or guilty or vengeful; I was ready to forgive. But the question was why should I? Why should I forgive people who brought about so much pain and misery? Why should i give them the satisfaction of feeling ok about what they did? Maybe if i forgive them, they will never know or pay for what they did? These are all the emotions and questions I go through every now and then.

Then moments of enlightenment like today’s jummah khutba happen. The khateeb talks about forgiveness as a means to leading a content life. If i know one thing about anger, it is that it makes you discontent.  The khateeb tells us that forgiving is not letting go rather it is taking control of the situation. You are incharge of how that relationship (or lack thereof) shapes up. A person who has hurt you deeply will tend to do it again. When you acknowledge your hurt and turn to Allah for solace and forgive for the sake of Allah; you are no longer in a position to be hurt again because you have already taken a higher road – a path that people who wrong you don’t tread.  Forgiving means you free yourself of emotions that do not serve you.

And let not those of virtue among you and wealth swear not to give [aid] to their relatives and the needy and the emigrants for the cause of Allah, and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. [Surah Al Noor Verse 22]

Here is my game plan – I will consciously think about my shortcomings and sins. I will think about how I would like to be standing in front of Allah SWT on the Day of Judgement with those sins and those shortcomings? Will I be able to justify any of it? Then I will think how it would be like to have all those sins forgiven! Everytime I have an ill-feeling creeping up, I will try and do this – I will forgive so that I may be forgiven. Allah knows how much forgiveness I need! It is indeed from Allah’s mercy to even allow us to forgive – just so He can bestow us with His forgiveness in return. Have you heard of a more merciful Lord!

Please make dua for me and for yourself if any of this hit home with you – may Allah clean our hearts and make us of the forgiving and forgiven. Ameen!

And hasten to forgiveness from your Lord and a garden as wide as the heavens and earth, prepared for the righteous. Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people - and Allah loves the doers of good;[Surah Aal Imran, verse 133-134]

Boyz to Men

How many times have you felt like having husband is like raising another child? Its one of those universal truths we have come to accept. We have come to the point where we even start acting like mothers with them. I might add most of this content may be true for south-east Asian families. In the process of raising 2 sons, I am constantly trying to learn from my upbringing and its pros and cons – trying to find a better way to raise responsible men. I think it will take a few generations of conscientious mothers to make it a better world J

While reading the seerah I was amazed at how mature and self-sufficient all the young men were. Even our prophet sallallahu alaihi wassalam, was already an established, albeit not rich, but well-respected person by the tender age of 25. True, those times were different – but why should maturity suffer over generations. What I realized and im sure ive blogged about this before is, that this world dumbs down our children and in turn so do we. We are never willing to realize our sons are growing up. We realize it when they’ve already grown and perhaps even grayed! We don’t place any responsibility on them, because they are studying or working. What logic is that? What is their education worth, if they are irresponsible or unable to take care of their most basic needs. Mothers especially, are driving themselves insane running errands for their children along with prepping piping hot meals, running laundry loads etc. Then when the son is 15+, the same doting mothers are complaining about how the “child” doesn’t even pick up his socks! These same sons get married, and we have the wives whining about the socks. Another thing our men are incapable of is dealing with extended family dynamics. They have absolutely no idea why the wife is so upset that he doesn’t feel the need to attend his brother in laws wedding.

It may be too late to “fix” the husband lol, but lets do the world a favor and try and raise men. I basically back-tracked to our own childhood to see what wrongs can be made right. Here are a few things I’ve realized and am trying or will try. It’s very important to place age-appropriate responsibility on my children. They may do it wrong and my urge to fix it will be strong – but that will not teach them anything. I would rather show them how it’s done and then let them take and feel the ownership of the task. Some parenting websites list age-related chores – we may or may not choose to follow it to a tee – however it’s a good starting point. We should talk to our children – discuss our feelings with them. I tell my children when I’m not feeling well or even angry. They need to know that their mother and later on their wife is not super-women. We should involve our kids in extended family/ family friend dynamics. I try and let them know why we are visiting someone or they are visiting us. For example, if I am going to congratulate someone for getting married or having a baby – I will tell my children. Similarly, I will and have told them if someone passes away and how I felt about it. Not nitty gritty details, just getting them familiar with the concept. I would say that once my child is 10, I would make him even speak to the person I am congratulating or giving condolences to. How else will he learn what he is supposed to do? I remember feeling so so awkward when I had to give condolences for the first time. I just didn’t know the right words. I would hope my sons wouldn’t have to go through the same. When my husband was travelling, I would speak to my sons about missing him and how they should be more caring toward me in his absence. This may sound like im emotionally blackmailing them – it wasn’t as bad really. I don’t become emotional or weepy while saying it. It’s said once and it’s said in a very matter-of-factly kind of way. I talk to my sons about my hijab and why they cant let anyone in without asking/telling me (im not talking about opening the main door to strangers here!). Sometimes I ask them how my dress looks or how I look – I don’t do this often but I like their shy faces when they answer it J I would hope as they grow older, they will shoulder responsibility, value time and money and value emotions most importantly. Above all, make du’a for them – not just for their success and education but for them to be good people. We must not assume that just is simply because they are our children. Mercy is from Allah SWT and we must beg for it for ourselves and our generations.

I remember reading a quote “It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” -L.R. Knost

But finally, all my efforts are for my own salvation. As the hadith states

“Upon death, man’s deeds will stop except for three deeds, namely: a continuous charitable fund, endowment or goodwill; knowledge left for people to benefit from; and a pious righteous and God-fearing child who continuously prays to Allah, for the souls of his parents” (Muslim).